Internal Memo Leaked: Apple to Close Business on Tuesday

In an incredibly rare “scoop” I received an email from an anonymous Apple employee who shared an internal memo with me. Here are the contents (name withheld by request):

To All Apple Employees:

After 12 great years back at Apple, I’ve come to make an important decision about the future of the business. With great analysis of the current and future markets, I’ve decided it’s time for us to close shop. While this may surprise some of you, I think if you truly consider the situation I’m sure you’ll come to the same conclusion yourself.

Since I rejoined Apple, we’ve rebuilt the image of the company in its entirety. Our flagship product, OS X, represents the pinnacle in operating systems. Normally we’d pursue improvements, but after playing with the latest version of a Vista PC, it seems like there’s just no point in working on making ours any better.

Since the launch of the first generation iPod we’ve utterly dominated the portable MP3 player landscape. In fact we’re outselling our competition by such a ridiculous margin it often feels like we’re playing the Washington Generals!

In 2007 we built the best phone ever made. In 2008 we followed it up with the best phone ever made. This process is likely to repeat itself far into the future.

It’s great to win, but something changed after we launched the MacBook Air, the lightest, thinnest, fastest, shortest, longest, cleanest, tallest, and softest laptop ever built or ever will be built.

So I sat down with Jonathan Ive and we brainstormed other industries to go conquer. We debated products such as microwaves, vacuum cleaners, dish soap, and even breakfast cereal. We just couldn’t find anything else that would be really exciting to go monopolize.

Therefore, I’ve decided it’s time for us all to move on. It’s been a really fun time, we have the best team in the world. I believe the best thing we can possibly do is quit while we’re way ahead. Additionally, think of all the amazingly talented resources out there to join the workforce at other technology companies that could use some help (I’m thinking of you, Jerry!). Trust me, it’s a good thing.

Please remove all personal effects from your offices by 5pm, as all campus buildings will be demolished immediately thereafter. Apple Store employees will all have job offers from the new tenants of their current locations, as they are being converted into Red Lobster franchises.

And one more thing.

I’ll be showing up at the Chicago White Sox training camp next Spring. If that doesn’t work out, my back-up is seeing if the Jets need any extra QB’s next year.

Steve Jobs
Apple CEO

There it is, unaltered, and unverifiable. Until Tuesday morning, that is. Should be a keynote to remember it seems!

ps – just in case, can all stockbrokers think twice before making trading decisions because of something you read on this blog?  thanks. on a related note, I am an Apple shareholder.