Now that Oprah’s on Twitter, it’s safe to say there’ll be even more attention being paid to this bizarre little service. Yes, I use it, and yes, I can comfortably say it’s bizarre. Never before in the history of mankind has the concept of extremely short format person-to-world shouting been possible, and we have a long way to go to until we truly understand the impact. But in the meantime, with all the new users coming to Tweetersville, I figured I’d put together a handy-dandy guide to help explain some of the Twits you might see out there.
The following translation table should help get you started on comprehending the true meanings of what can be “conversed” 140 characters at a time. Important disclaimer: if you cannot handle cynicism or snarkiness, well jeez, what are you doing reading blog posts at all (here’s a safer place for you)?
|If you see someone Tweet…||That person is saying…|
|I’m here in [COOL LOCATION] but am so exhausted from the flight I’m gonna crash.||Hey everyone, I got to go to [COOL LOCATION] and you are stuck in your lame place!|
|Hanging at the Web 2.0 Expo with @Arrington and @Scobleizer||I’m at the Web 2.0 Expo and just saw @Arrington and @Scobleizer walk by|
|Retweeting [FAMOUS PERSON]: …||Hey, [FAMOUS PERSON], please notice me!|
|Just heard a really cool rumor about a big tech company – you’ll get the scoop tomorrow||Nothing.|
|Thanks for following me, I really appreciate it!||I’m a big tool that uses autofollowing/autoresponding services, and didn’t even push a button on my keyboard to send you this message. That’s right, it took exactly zero of my caloric output for this waste of bits to occur.|
|Gosh, I’m sooooo behind on my emails!||Rather than deal with my email overload problem, I’m going to waste more time by Twittering.|
|Heading to the mountains, have a great weekend everyone!||Attention 14+ 19 million people, my house will be vacant this weekend. Please review older tweets of mine to determine my home address, then enjoy yourself to my stuff.|
|OMG, can’t believe I’m going to be on [SOME TV SHOW, PODCAST, OR OTHER “BIG” MEDIA]! so exciting!||Yeah, I’m hot stuff, and I want you to know it. This little realm of 140-character communication is neat-o, but the big folks know about me too, because I’m special. My mommy said so, and this proves she’s right!|
|Holy crap, I can’t believe they killed [MAJOR CHARACTER] on the [BIG TV SHOW] season finale!||I am envious of DVR owners and thus comfortable with spoiling the TV show they watch.|
|Holy crap, I can’t believe [SOMEONE] won/got kicked off [BIG REALITY SHOW]!!||see above|
|Hey, does anyone out there know where you can buy [SOME PRODUCT] in San Francisco?||Hey, can someone Google [SOME PRODUCT “San Francisco”] for me? I’m just too darned lazy to do it myself.|
|Hah, [COMPANY] just [DID SOMETHING], just like I predicted in my blog post 3 years ago.||Gosh I’m smart, even though the other 80% of my predictions don’t come true.|
|[PRODUCT/SERVICE/COMPANY] is so lame/amazing, I hear [unimportant blah blah blah thing]||Someone else just said something about [PRODUCT/SERVICE/COMPANY] and I don’t really know it first-hand, but they sounded authoritative while on that phone call I was listening in on in line at the Starbucks instead of minding my own business|
|Sweet, only 7 more followers until I reach [IMPRESSIVE-SOUNDING NUMBER]!||I spend most of my offline time alone, so I could really use a little ego-boost online. Can you spare a follow? Just a quick follow, please! I’ll clean your windshield…|
|OH: [SOME CLEVER/RIDICULOUSLY INANE COMMENT]||I’ve wanted to say [COMMENT] for a while, but didn’t really have the cajones to just say it myself.|
|Kinda embarrassed to see myself on this list of the Top 50 Amazing [TITLE] List||Not embarrassed at all, only bummed that I’m not in the Top 10, because I feel great about the world when my blogger friends write lists to identify cool people and put me in them. It’s pretty sweet|
|Twitter’s totally lame now that [OPRAH/ASHTON/SOME OTHER ACTUALLY FAMOUS PERSON] is now on it. I’m probably just going to stop using it, or maybe try FriendFeed||I used to think 2000 followers made me popular, and now I realize I’m one of the masses again. And I sure don’t like it.|
|Waiting in a line to get a Frappucino. Or maybe I’ll try an iced chai latte, I hear those are good. Oooh, vanilla scone bites! Yummy!||I have lost the fine art of being able to just do absolutely nothing for more than 17 seconds. I tried to just stand here in line, and let an original thought fly through my synapses, but instead I grabbed the nearest gadget I could and did something with it. Please, oh lord, let me be at the front of the line by the time I am done with my 140 characters!|
By the way, I put together the list based loosely on Tweets I’ve actually seen… Did I miss any?
Note: if you are looking for help understanding what things like “bit.ly/2lOL2g” or #gov20 or OH/RT: mean, you are in the wrong place.